i am at this point of in between emotion. i no longer love you or miss you, or want you or need you, i no longer feel for you in ways i thought i would always.. i no longer get butterflies as your name graces its presence onto my phone or some other form of random contact you’ve grown so accustomed to. you are no longer the first thing i think of when waking up in the morning and, minus the one or three love letters to myself i’ve written, you’re no longer the last thing i think of before falling asleep. the moon no longer bares your fruit; decorative lamps of moonlit romance and random records we once danced to, no longer whisper your voice; and the pillow your head once graced no longer nurtures your scent. i am in this in between emotion.. i no longer feel the urge to hate you, i no longer feel the need to avoid loving you, i no longer wish to know your thoughts, i no longer care to wonder which woman you’re enjoying a romance with next. i no longer delete your number from my phone after an emotional encounter from you {which i highly doubt meant to you as much as i had hoped they had}, i no longer go through old love letters or photographs holding myself hostage within a one sided romance i had grown so entirely lost within. i went from an in between love, to an in between heartbreak and now this, in between emotion of no longers. it feels nice, this no longer. and i feel as if it has been a long time coming. but how was i meant to get to this point after so many of your “i wonders”? i no longer feel the need to question where things went wrong or back track each footstep as if i had been leading a murder mystery to a heart long lost past, i no longer blame myself for changing into a person i hardly recognized, and i no longer.. feel the need.. to hope for you. i no longer need to hope for you. and it feels nice, these “no longers”.

there are ghosts hiding here,
   have been hiding here,
creeping within linens i
never remember to fold over properly.

at night i,
wake to this nightmare driven heap of a mess,
dark circle infested eyes lost within desperation,
clinging a second pillow once vacated by
something
   someone,
i’m never truly sure of.
clarity has run off missing,
like my backbone it seems
shifty eyes, avoiding sunlight
boycotting
any nostalgia of you 

who knows what shade they claim to portray today but

more days than not i feel flightless

    an oxymoron to my center of being,

fight less
and its grown home to me,
this in between a daydream sort of,
gut wrenching driven
living.

i fear i’ve lost my fight in you. 

(Source: sheeluv)

i’ve spent more time
waiting
holding breaths
hoping;
strangling daydreams
wishing;
craving any other form of nostalgia
waiting; i’ve spent more time
waiting.
& i’m tired of waitin’ !
tired of waitin’, wishin’, hopin’,
holdin’
holding on to a something i
never fully understood to begin with.
its become home to me
this waiting
and in between held breaths
of hoping
i’ve managed to convince nearly everyone but me.
{however so, for a day or two i almost succeeded in forgetting}
waiting; i’ve spent more time
waiting
and i’m tired of waiting!
hoping every three weeks or so,
the “hi, hellos” will lead to something of substance
if only goodbyes clouded our minds
covering up moonlit memories and once upon a time daydreams
if and only when,
there might be hope for me yet.

(Source: sheeluv)

“Question: I am interested in so many things, and I have a terrible fear because my mother keeps telling me that I’m just going to be exploring the rest of my life and never get anything done. But I find it really hard to set my ways and say, “Well, do I want to do this, or should I try to exploit that, or should I escape and completely do one thing?” 

Anaïs Nin: One word I would banish from the dictionary is ‘escape.’ Just banish that and you’ll be fine. Because that word has been misused regarding anybody who wanted to move away from a certain spot and wanted to grow. He was an escapist. You know if you forget that word you will have a much easier time. Also you’re in the prime, the beginning of your life; you should experiment with everything, try everything…. We are taught all these dichotomies, and I only learned later that they could work in harmony. We have created false dichotomies; we create false ambivalences, and very painful one’s sometimes -the feeling that we have to choose. But I think at one point we finally realize, sometimes subconsciously, whether or not we are really fitted for what we try and if it’s what we want to do. 

You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too. No, I think there was too rigid a pattern. You came out of an education and are supposed to know your vocation. Your vocation is fixed, and maybe ten years later you find you are not a teacher anymore or you’re not a painter anymore. It may happen. It has happened. I mean Gauguin decided at a certain point he wasn’t a banker anymore; he was a painter. And so he walked away from banking. I think we have a right to change course. But society is the one that keeps demanding that we fit in and not disturb things. They would like you to fit in right away so that things work now.” 

― Anaïs Nin

(Source: seabois, via luxurists)